NOTHING is more FUN than getting really messy with lots and
lots of PAINT!!!!
And who gets to spend all their time with lots and lots of
PAINT???
ARTISTS!!!!
So today we are going to learn how to be an ARTIST!!!!
ART is a wonderful thing. You can make all kinds of
wonderful (and highly SELLABLE) art with just about anything you can get your
hands on! Paper, wood, metal, bits of string, rubber bands, pasta, clumps of
dust from under your bed. The possibilities are LIMITLESS!!! But the most important thing about ART and
being an ARTIST is “Can I make ART and get rich with it?”. Well, YES you CAN!!! And here’s how!
There have been many great artists throughout history. At
LEAST a hundred!!! Now THAT’s a LOT!!!
Here’s just a few of the more famous ones:
 | |
| FAMOUS ARTISTS!!! |
Of course, there are a few more than this...people like
Michaelangelo, Vincent Van Gogh and Toulouse Lautrec but we have only so much
time and so much space and I don’t want to overload you with ART right now so
let’s just ignore them completely!!!
There’s a few things you’re going to need in order to be an
ARTIST. Very IMPORTANT things. You’re going to need:
PAINT: and LOTS of it!
This stuff is going to go EVERYWHERE!
You can get it in buckets or tubes or little cakes. There’s ‘oil’ paint and ‘watercolor’ paint
but just to make things easier, for now it’s all just ‘paint’. And it’s pretty easy to get! Go into just about any garage on your street
and you’ll find old cans of paint! Just
TAKE IT! The owners won’t mind because
they’re not using it anyways and they’ll probably be glad to get rid of it. (Just remember to take it ‘quietly’)
BRUSHES: every artist needs brushes. You can’t paint without brushes...unless
you’re ‘FINGER-PAINTING’ and I assume you already have fingers. If you can’t find any brushes then you can
easily make some by cutting off some of your dog or cat’s hair and taping it to
a stick. If you don’t have a dog or cat
then wait until it’s really late and everyone is asleep then go and cut off
some of your mommy or daddy’s hair. Mommy’s
hair is better because it’s softer and more plentiful if you need extra
brushes. Daddy’s hair tends to fall out
all over the place and that just makes him mad and depressed. They won’t mind what you’ve done when they
find out that you are going to be an ARTIST because everyone LOVES an ARTIST!!! (Just remember to take it ‘quietly’)
PALETTE: a ‘palette’
is a flat piece of wood or plastic that artists put their paints on so they can
more easily dip their brushes into them.
If you don’t already have one then you can use a piece of cardboard or
go into that China cabinet in the dining room and get one of those really nice
plates that your parents use whenever ‘company’ comes to dinner. Don’t worry if you mess it up or break it
because there’s plenty more where it came from!!!
CANVAS: a ‘canvas’ is
a bit of old fabric that is stretched nice and tight over a wooden frame so you
can paint on it. These are expensive and
not easy to make so if you can’t find any then take down some of those pictures
that your parents have hanging on the walls and turn them around. You’ll see there’s NOTHING on the back of
them so now you have a ‘blank’ canvas that you can put your ART on!!! It’s that easy!!! And if you can’t find a ‘canvas’
anywhere? WALLS!!! Your house is full of them!!! And...they’re BLANK!!!
EASEL: an ‘easel’ is a sort of stand that you put your
‘canvas’ on so that you can paint on it.
These are also expensive and not easy to make so if you haven’t already
got one (look in the garage first...just to be sure) then just use that big
leather easy chair that daddy got for watching football games in. If it’s comfortable enough for him then it
will be PERFECT for you to rest your ‘canvas’ on. And don’t worry about messing it up with all
of your paints because once you’re a FAMOUS artist (see “How to be a famous
Author” but use paint instead of words) your daddy can sell that chair for
hundred of millions of dollars to some Japanese corporation that has nothing
better to do with its money! He’ll be so proud of your accomplishments!!!
SMOCK: a ‘smock’ is a
sort of apron that artists wear to keep their regular clothes clean. It’s important for artists to keep their
clothes clean because most of them are so poor (don’t worry...you’re not going
to be one of THEM!!!) that they only have one set of clothes to their name! And since they like to be taken to dinner all
the time (or they’d NEVER eat) they have to look presentable in public. So they wear a ‘smock’ when making their
‘art’. Professional smocks can be very
expensive but why bother with spending all that money for a ‘Polo’ or ‘Yves St. Laurent’ logo when you can just MAKE ONE!!! Remember that towel you turned into an apron
when you were a CHEF? Just cross out the
‘chef’ and write in ARTIST!!! And don’t
forget that LAB COAT from when you were a DOCTOR!!! Or you can just steal another one of dad’s
‘business’ shirts (if he hasn’t put a padlock on his closet)!!! Same thing!
Again...he won’t mind and if he does then just remind him of all those
Japanese corporations with all that money they don’t know what to do with.
Now that you have all of your ARTIST tools you are going to
need a place to do your painting. That
place is called a STUDIO. A ‘studio is a
room where artists do all their art. It’s
usually very messy and artists sit in it all day looking at blank canvases and wondering
why they’re not painting anything and why their girlfriends/boyfriends keep
leaving them. They do a lot of
‘drinking’ in there too...when they can afford it...which is rarely...which is
why people lock up their liquour cabinets when their ‘artist’ friends come over
for another ‘free’ meal. They also like
to have little parties in their studios but hardly anyone ever goes because
it’s so messy and it’s usually just a bunch of artists there making rude and
nasty remarks about OTHER artists.
But for YOU?...your studio can be wherever you want it to
be!!! Your WHOLE HOUSE is your
studio!!! And don’t worry about any
messes you make...mommy will clean it up later.
If she gets angry?...JAPANESE CORPORATIONS!!!
SO LET’S MAKE SOME ART!!!
Start by dipping one of your brushes in some paint...get
LOTS of paint onto the brush (don’t worry about it dripping everywhere because
anywhere the paint lands is a work of ART!!!) then start dragging the brush all
over the canvas (or ‘wall’ if that’s the case).
Once the canvas is covered with lots of paint in lots of colors you will
have your very first piece of ART!!!
So now that you have your completed piece of ART what are
you going to do with it?
DISPLAY IT!!!
And where do you ‘display’ your art? In a GALLERY!!!!
The world is FULL of galleries that will happily display
your art for EVERYONE to see!!!
Just give one of those galleries a call (they LOVE to hear
from new artists!!!) and they will be more than thrilled about putting your
work on one of their walls for people to come and look at!!!
Those people are called ‘Art Lovers’! They come from everywhere to look at art and
discuss it with their friends! Sometimes
they will say mean things about your art but that’s only because they can’t do
any art themselves and are jealous of your ART ABILITY. Some of these people are known as
‘critics’. A critic is someone who can’t
do anything on his/her own and spends all of his/her time saying mean things
about people that actually CAN do things.
Strangely enough, just like ‘poor’ artists, they can usually be found
anywhere there is free food and drink.
Sad creatures indeed.
Pretty soon all those people who came to admire your ART
will be falling all over themselves trying to BUY IT!!! The money will be rolling in and you’ll be a
great and successful ARTIST!!! Just
remember to thank those Japanese corporations for all the money they’ll be
giving you and that money will come in handy for mommy’s hair replacement
treatments and daddy’s new shirts.
Congratulations on becoming an ARTIST and GOOD LUCK with all
your future ARTING!!!
