HOW TO BE A DOCTOR!!!

Being a DOCTOR is SO MUCH FUN!!! (as compared to 'PLAYING' doctor which can get you into ALL KINDS of trouble and we don't want that!)

There are so many different kinds of DOCTOR in the world.  Just look at this list!

That's a lot of doctors!!!  But today we are going to learn how to be a REAL doctor!  The kind of doctor that helps people when they've hurt themselves by doing silly things like riding their bike while wearing a blindfold and eating a sandwich (that will NOT get you on TV) or trying to take their pants off over their head while hopping on one foot and playing a ukulele (that one MIGHT get you on TV).

Yep, today we are going to be your common, everyday, run-of-the-mill, as seen on TV type doctor!
REAL doctors just like all these famous doctors we've known and that have helped us with our cuts and bruises over the years!

Many of these doctors were so famous for their excellent doctoring that they were given their VERY OWN TV SHOWS!!! You can't be a more successful doctor than THAT!!!

So what are you going to need before you start DOCTORING?

The first and probably MOST IMPORTANT thing you'll need is a DEGREE!!!  A degree is a big piece of paper that says in big bold words for all to see that YOU are a DOCTOR!!!  There's several ways to get one of these pieces of paper: 1) you can spend YEARS at some 'university' taking classes, going to frat parties and listening to other doctors tell you you'll never amount to anything while you're parents are screaming at you on the phone every other night demanding to know "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?  THIS IS COSTING US A FORTUNE!!!"; or 2) you can just MAKE ONE!!!  Making one's a lot cheaper and saves you from having to spend all those YEARS at that 'university' which clears up a lot of your time for those frat parties!!!  Just remember to carry it with you at all times because you never know when someone might need a doctor so it's best to have your proof handy!!!

Your DEGREE should look something like this (don't worry about the wording - nobody ever reads them anyways):

Now that you've got your DEGREE the next most important doctor-type thing you'll need is a LAB COAT!!!  You just can't be a doctor without a LAB COAT!!!  A LAB coat proves beyond any reasonable doubt that you are indeed a DOCTOR because YOU have a special coat for wearing in your lab!!!  There are many different types of LAB coats so make sure you get the right one for your doctoring:

Although all three are nice, you're going to want the first one.  If you can't find one anywhere then go into your dad's closet and get one of those big white shirts he likes to wear when he goes to that 'office' place every day.  Just look for one that has the words "Brooks Brothers" or "Pierre Cardin" on it.  Those ones make the BEST home-made lab coats.  And don't worry how he'll feel about it.  Sure, he might be a little bit upset at first but once he realizes he has a DOCTOR in the family he will be THRILLED!!!  Now that you've got your LAB COAT all you have to do is put your name on it and you're ready to start DOCTORING!!!

Now you have to fill up the pockets of you LAB COAT with stuff like RUBBER GLOVES (always fun), TONGUE DEPRESSORS (you can use popsicle sticks instead - just don't treat anyone with diabetes), BANDAIDS (they're in the bathroom somewhere - look in the medicine cabinet, right beside that bottle of hair dye your mom likes to use) and a STETHOSCOPE!!!  You'll need the STETHOSCOPE to listen to people's 'HEARTBEATS' and EVERYBODY (except politicians, most other doctors and my ex-girlfriend) has a heartbeat!   

Just remember that if you're 'treating' someone and they DON'T have a heartbeat...they're already dead.  This most likely means that you've messed up.  Big time.  Did I mention a little thing called 'malpractice insurance'?  No?  Oops.

But don't worry.  There's a special place where doctors put all their mistakes and it looks kinda like this:

HAPPY DOCTORING!!!

HOW TO BE A (FAMOUS) CHEF!!!, Parts 1 & 2

LET'S EAT!!!

Are there any more wonderful words in our language?  NO!!!  Eating is FUN and the only thing MORE fun than eating is COOKING!!!  Do you know what you call a person that cooks?  CHEF!!!  That's right, a CHEF!  Granted that sometimes we call them 'mom' or 'Julie' (that's the teenager that comes in occasionally to look after you and cook your dinner because your parents are out having fun at some 'function' and can't be bothered staying at home to give you the kind of attention you deserve because it's ALL ABOUT THEM and they're more than willing to leave you in the hands of some hormonally-challenged pubescent who cares about nothing more than boys and weird sounding music and who keeps calling you 'kid' or 'little brat' or 'monster' and...sorry...I digress...this is supposed to be about YOU and not me).

Being a CHEF is a wonderful thing to do with your life.  You get to make up all kinds of strange, fancy meals and serve them to your friends and family.  It could be breakfast, lunch, dinner or even a simple snack!  A chef is always ready and willing to make the food!

Here are just a few of the more famous chefs in history.  They ALL made (and make) GREAT STUFF!!!:

PART 1!!!

Now, what are you going to need to be a CHEF?  You're going to need: oven mitts, kitchen utensils and an apron.  Yep...an APRON!  If you can't find an apron lying around then you can easily MAKE ONE!  Just get one of those really nice towels that mommy has in the 'linen closet' (she won't mind at all because you are going to be a great chef!), cut a hole in the middle of it and VOILA!  An APRON!  And if you can't find 'oven mitts' anywhere then there's always those nice leather gloves that dad got for Christmas last year but never wears unless it's cold outside and since it's not cold outside right now then go ahead and use them!!!  He won't mind.  Once you have everything you need you should look something like this:

And now...UTENSILS!!!  You'll find all the utensils you'll need in that kitchen drawer which is used for holding all of the utensils in the kitchen.  That drawer should look something like this (sorry about the mouse...I have no control over it):

So ... oven mitts?  CHECK!  Apron?  CHECK!  Utensils?  CHECK!

NOW we need something to COOK!  What kind of fancy meal are we going to prepare?  Maybe one of these?:

Well, those are a little bit complicated for our first try and who wants to spend all day at the butcher shop anyways asking silly questions like "have you got anything leaner?" so let's make it something simple.  Let's try THIS instead!!! (trust me...it's a LOT easier and just as tasty!!!):

Just open up the can and pour all the contents into a big metal pot that you can place on the stove and heat up until it's nice and warm and ready to eat!  You can find a pot in one of those big cupboards under the sink.  There will probably be all kinds of pots in all kinds of sizes so pick one that's not too big and not too small.  If by any chance you find any bottles with words like 'VODKA' or 'RUM' printed on them please contact me with a private message and we can work out some way for you to send them to me because that is stuff that SHOULD NOT be in the kitchen cupboard and your parents will be so glad that you got rid of it for them.  Your pot of food on the stove should look something like this:

Now you're going to need something to stir the chili with.  A SPOON!  You have your choice of two different kinds of spoon...a metal spoon or a wooden spoon.  I'd recommend the METAL spoon for the chili and the WOODEN spoon for hitting that mouse that likes hanging around in the utensil drawer (I have no control over it).  Wooden spoons always make me think of that time my parents got mad at me for experimenting with dog poop in the blender but again...this is about YOU and not me.  Here are your spoons:

Now stir the chili in the pot with your spoon because you don't want it sticking to the sides and getting all black and crusty.  And remember to taste it every few minutes so you'll know it's not getting TOO HOT!!!
Once you think it's ready to eat then pour it all into a bowl and put it on the dining room table where the WHOLE FAMILY can enjoy it!  They will be so proud of you for making their dinner!  And if they don't like chili then just make them one of these!  Easy to make and really good too!

So now you are a CHEF!!!  Pretty soon your family will be inviting all their friends over for you to make them dinner!  That will be so much fun, won't it?  Of COURSE it will!

So now for PART 2!!!  This is where you learn how to be a FAMOUS chef and it's really very simple!
Just do everything you did before except THIS time DO IT ON TV!!!  And change your apron...and wear a hat.

ENJOY YOUR SUCCESS!!!

 

HOW TO BE A PHILOSOPHER!!!

PHILOSOPHY!!!

The great art of thinking thoughts...PITHY thoughts...and those that think PITHY thoughts are called PHILOSOPHERS!!!

A 'PHILOSOPHER' is someone who can't really do much of anything useful or worthwhile like build houses or drive teams of horses in holiday parades.  They make terrible bankers and don't even THINK of using one as a butler or mechanic.  Philosophers like to spend their time scribbling their thoughts into notebooks or onto any blank pieces of paper they are lucky enough to find lying around (bar napkins are VERY popular).

And what exactly is a 'PITHY THOUGHT' you may ask (and yes, you may ask)?  Well, a 'pithy thought' is a lot like a regular thought except it makes a lot less sense.  And it's longer!  For example...a 'regular' thought might go something like this: "wow...that tree is old" but a 'PITHY' thought would be something like THIS: "this noble and majestic oak has endured so much sadness it has cloaked itself in bark as protection from the calamity that is time".  SEE?  Pithy versus regular...NO comparison!!!  And THAT is what PHILOSOPHERS do!!!  They take the 'simple' and kinda make it a lot less...simple.  So get ready to PHILOSOPHIZE!!!

Here are just a few of the more famous philosophers that are known to those who like philosophy:

FAMOUS PHILOSOPHERS!!!

Now, before we start 'philosophizing', there are a few things you have to learn.
First of all...where do these pithy thoughts come from?  Well, they come from your BRAIN!!!
Your brain is this big mushy thing in your head and it's kind of like a Nerfball but a lot wetter and gooier.
Your brain is what you will use to think your pithy thoughts!!!  Here's your brain:

Second...we're going to need some tools...WRITING TOOLS!!!  You can't be a philosopher without writing tools.  The best tools are paper and a pen.  Simple as that!  And where can you get those tools?  That's easy...you know that place your parents go to every day, that place they call 'WORK'?  Well those places have what's called 'supply closets'.  That's where they keep all of their 'work' supplies.  Supplies like...PAPER and PENS!!!  If your parents love you as much as they say they do (and they DO, right?) then they will be more than happy to 'liberate' some of those supplies for you! (It's actually called 'stealing' but let's avoid such nasty legal terms for now).  You are also going to need a place to write on your paper.  For that you will need a 'writing desk', a place where you can spend your days writing down your PITHY THOUGHTS! Your pen & paper and writing desk should look something like this:

Once you are firmly settled in at your writing desk with your pen and paper you can start dreaming up your pithy thoughts.  Once you have a pithy thought that you really like then you can write it down on the paper at which point it shall become known as a 'PITHY MUSING'!!! 'Pithy musings' look like this:

Once you've put together a whole bunch of 'pithy musings' you'll have them published as a BOOK (see HOW TO BE A FAMOUS AUTHOR for details. Pretty much the same thing except as a 'philosopher' you'll be invited to fewer parties and no one will want to make a movie out of your 'book').

Now that you've published your philosophy book of pithy musings you will suddenly develop something that is known by psychologists as 'FOLLOWERS'!!!  'Followers' are people who will read your stuff and think that it is somehow directed to them and them alone.  They will think of themselves as 'experts' on everything you've ever thought and hold long boring discussions with other 'followers' about why you are speaking to THEM and no one else.  Followers can be very sad people but they do throw wonderful little get-togethers  called 'COCKTAIL PARTIES'!!!  ALWAYS go to the 'cocktail parties' you are invited to!  Not only do you get to meet your followers but there's almost an unlimited supply of bar napkins you can take home to write on and you'll need those now that your parents have been fired from their jobs because of all the missing supplies.  

So there you have it.  You are now a PHILOSOPHER and any day now some university is going to offer you a job teaching 'philosophy' to other people that want to be JUST LIKE YOU!!!  So when that happens, just remember ONE word...one little word that will make the difference between a life of successful philosophizing or staying at home to wash the dishes every night.  That word is ... TENURE.

Happy PHILOSOPHIZING!!!

HOW TO BE A TOURIST!!!

I know, I know.  You're asking "What is a tourist and why would I want to be a tourist?".  Well let me tell you!

A tourist is someone that travels all over the world!!!  That's right! ALL OVER THE WORLD!!!

Not only do they get to travel all over the world but they don't even have to work or anything when they get there!  They can just put their feet up and relax and sit by the pool and write postcards to everybody!  Now doesn't THAT sound like fun?

This is what a 'POSTCARD' looks like.

A POSTCARD!!!

You can write all kinds of great things on the back of a postcard like what you had for breakfast, what you had for lunch, what you had for dinner, how many people were in the pool and how you need money sent so that you can get out of jail because that gesture you made to a local police officer was NOT what you thought it was.





Of course the most important thing to remember about being a TOURIST is that people everywhere are different from people everywhere else so don't think that it's like going to visit the grandparents (even though they really ARE different from everyone else and they have pictures on their walls to prove it).  They are SO different that many of them actually speak in different languages!!!  Isn't THAT exciting?  Yes!  It is!

And you should always remember to be nice.  Being nice is probably the most important thing that a tourist can be otherwise bad things can happen such as DISAPPEARING.  'Disappearing' is when nobody knows where you are anymore and all your neat stuff ends up at local church auctions.  We don't want that now do we?  No, we don't.

The next most important thing to remember about being a 'TOURIST' is how to dress.  Just like languages, people everywhere usually dress differently so it's important that you wear clothing that really makes you stand out in a crowd.  Loud colors like yellow and orange and bright greens are good or you could just wear the traditional tourist uniform of a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts and they look like this:

YOUR TOURIST UNIFORM!!!

Once you have your uniform assembled there's one more important item that you are going to need.  A CAMERA!!!  A tourist is NOTHING without a camera and you have MANY to choose from!  Here are just a few of the recommended tourist cameras so pick one and we're almost ready to travel!

Last, but not least, you are going to need a PASSPORT.  A 'PASSPORT' is a little book with your picture in it and all kinds of details about you so that if you were ever to DISAPPEAR on one of your trips your parents would be notified in time for the next church auction.  Can't be too careful!!!  Since getting a passport can be very difficult and time-consuming we recommend you just stick a picture of yourself inside a couple of sheets of thin cardboard and write the word "PASSPORT" on the front of it.  Trust me, it's just as good as the real thing!

Tourists like to travel.  This is a fact.  Nobody knows why but they do.  So you are going to TRAVEL!  And while you travel you will take pictures!  Lots and lots of pictures!  Pictures of bridges, churches, buses, outdoor cafes and all kinds of interesting things that you will never see in your hometown!

So now that we have our 'tourist uniform', our 'passport' and our 'camera' ... LET'S TRAVEL!!!

Get a map.  You're going to need a map.  You can find all kinds of maps at your local 'TRAVEL AGENCY'.  They ALWAYS have maps so just go in and take a bunch.  They'll love you just for coming in to see them!  They'll have them all laid out in a rack so feel free to take as many as you like!

TOURIST MAPS!!!

So where do we want to go?  I know...we don't have any money and travel is NOT CHEAP!!!  So, let's do the next best thing!  Look for someone in your neighborhood that's just a little different from you.  Someone who might be from France or Japan or England or Australia or maybe even Canada!  All of them are different and saying HELLO to them will be just like visiting another country!

Take your passport and camera and visit them!  Tell them you are a tourist and you're going to take some pictures for everyone back home so that they will be able to share in your adventures when you return!  They will be happy to greet you in their native languages and wish you many good things.  Some may even introduce you to their special foods!!!

Show them your passport, take a few pictures and then go home to tell the folks about your adventure.

So now you are a TOURIST!!!

I hope you had fun seeing the world and don't forget to send me a POSTCARD!!!

HOW TO BE AN ASTRONAUT!!!

OK, so you've decided that traveling through space is what you want to do more than anything in the whole world!  Well who can blame you?  Traveling through space is one of the coolest things people do! EVERYONE wants to travel through space! So how are you going to do it? First you'll have to become an ASTRONAUT!  An astronaut is someone that travels through space and there are many, many famous astronauts in the history of the whole world!

Here are just a few of the more famous space travelers. Do you know them?

FAMOUS SPACE TRAVELERS!!!

And this is where they travel.

SPACE!!!

It's called 'SPACE" because that's what it is...SPACE!!!  Just lots and lots of space with nothing in it.  It's like a giant cupboard that just goes on for ever and ever and ever!  And remember, in space you never have to walk the dog or take out the garbage!  Think of all the fun you can have out THERE!


So let's get started.  Space...HERE WE COME!!!

• You'll need a really shiny metal kind of suit.  Aluminum foil should do the trick.  Put on a thick snow-suit, boots and gloves then wrap the foil all around you but DON'T COVER YOUR HEAD!  You should look nice and bulky and all the lights should shine off of you.  (If anyone asks "what happened to all the tin foil?" just say you were wrapping sandwiches)

• Now you're going to need a helmet.  Look around the house for a fish-bowl (the bigger the better but make sure it's unbreakable plastic and NOT GLASS!!!).  Put the fish bowl on your head but remember to empty out the water and the fish first!  Fish don't like being in space...it makes them swim funny.  The bowl will probably wobble around a bit but you can hold it on with a small strip of tape (DON'T USE GLUE OR NAILS!!!).

YOU'RE READY FOR SPACE!!!

So what are we going to need now? A ROCKET!!!  A 'ROCKET' is what space travelers use to travel in space!  It's a big metal tube with engines and lots and lots of fuel (we'll discuss THAT part later) and it looks like this:

SPACE ROCKET!!!

These are really, really big so it's probably best to improvise at first.  Find a large, round plastic garbage can (large enough for you to fit inside it with lots of room to move around) and cut out the bottom of it and wrap it all up in more tin foil (if anyone asks "what happened to the bottom of the garbage can?" just say you were wrapping sandwiches). Now you have a ROCKET!!!  Of course your 'rocket' will need FUEL and this is where it gets tricky.  I don't recommend using anything from Dad's garage or from the cupboard under the kitchen sink so we'll just have to improvise.  My suggestion?  WHOOPEE CUSHIONS!!!  YES, Whoopee Cushions!  Get a whole bunch of Whoopee Cushions (at least 50) and blow them all up.  After they're all blown up just put them to the side...we'll need them later for LIFT-OFF!!!

Now where are we going to travel to in space?  I know!  The MOON!!!  Everybody likes to go to the MOON!!!

This is the MOON:

THE MOON!!!

Ready?  Time to BLAST-OFF and here's how!

1. Set up the garbage can with the cut-out bottom in the middle of an open field (backyard will do) as we don't want anyone getting hurt from the blast-off.
2. Throw all of the inflated Whoopee Cushions into the bottom of the garbage can with the 'nozzle' parts sticking out at the bottom of the can.
3. With your space-suit and helmet on...JUMP INTO THE CAN!!!

FLAAARRRRRPPPPP!!!!!!!

We have LIFT-OFF!!!!!

Next stop...THE MOON!!!

HOW TO BE A FAMOUS AUTHOR!!!

Well who WOULDN'T want to be a famous author?

It's so exciting!  People ask for your opinion on just about EVERY thing!
And sometimes you even get to meet OTHER famous people in all kinds of
interesting places.

Here are just a few famous authors loved by all kids everywhere!

FAMOUS AUTHORS!!!

So ... how do we do it?  HERE's how we do it!

1. Get a typewriter. 

   

   A typewriter!!!

   Mom or Dad might have one laying around somewhere - if not then there's always the grandparents...they usually have all KINDS of old stuff laying around that place where they live.
2. Type lots and lots of words onto lots and lots of sheets of paper. Make that at LEAST 100 sheets of paper because YOU HAVE LOTS TO SAY!
3. Take all the sheets with all the typing on them to a 'PUBLISHER'.  This is someone who will put all those sheets together to form what's called a 'BOOK'.  Now at first they won't want to talk to you but don't worry about that.  They will come around because YOU are an AUTHOR and nothing is going to stop you!
4. Now your 'BOOK' is published and EVERYONE is talking about it!
5. You are now a successful author and soon you will be on Oprah! She will give you all kinds of gifts and things and tell ALL of her friends and followers to buy your book. 

Oprah & her followers!!! (they are very nice)

There!  You are now a FAMOUS (and successful) AUTHOR!!!

See?  It really is that simple!

Later we'll talk about getting an agent and what would be an appropriate percentage to give them for all YOUR hard work but for now...ENJOY YOUR SUCCESS!!!