There are so many different kinds of DOCTOR in the world. Just look at this list!
That's a lot of doctors!!! But today we are going to learn how to be a REAL doctor! The kind of doctor that helps people when they've hurt themselves by doing silly things like riding their bike while wearing a blindfold and eating a sandwich (that will NOT get you on TV) or trying to take their pants off over their head while hopping on one foot and playing a ukulele (that one MIGHT get you on TV).
Yep, today we are going to be your common, everyday, run-of-the-mill, as seen on TV type doctor!
REAL doctors just like all these famous doctors we've known and that have helped us with our cuts and bruises over the years!
Many of these doctors were so famous for their excellent doctoring that they were given their VERY OWN TV SHOWS!!! You can't be a more successful doctor than THAT!!!
So what are you going to need before you start DOCTORING?
The first and probably MOST IMPORTANT thing you'll need is a DEGREE!!! A degree is a big piece of paper that says in big bold words for all to see that YOU are a DOCTOR!!! There's several ways to get one of these pieces of paper: 1) you can spend YEARS at some 'university' taking classes, going to frat parties and listening to other doctors tell you you'll never amount to anything while you're parents are screaming at you on the phone every other night demanding to know "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE? THIS IS COSTING US A FORTUNE!!!"; or 2) you can just MAKE ONE!!! Making one's a lot cheaper and saves you from having to spend all those YEARS at that 'university' which clears up a lot of your time for those frat parties!!! Just remember to carry it with you at all times because you never know when someone might need a doctor so it's best to have your proof handy!!!
Your DEGREE should look something like this (don't worry about the wording - nobody ever reads them anyways):
Now that you've got your DEGREE the next most important doctor-type thing you'll need is a LAB COAT!!! You just can't be a doctor without a LAB COAT!!! A LAB coat proves beyond any reasonable doubt that you are indeed a DOCTOR because YOU have a special coat for wearing in your lab!!! There are many different types of LAB coats so make sure you get the right one for your doctoring:
Although all three are nice, you're going to want the first one. If you can't find one anywhere then go into your dad's closet and get one of those big white shirts he likes to wear when he goes to that 'office' place every day. Just look for one that has the words "Brooks Brothers" or "Pierre Cardin" on it. Those ones make the BEST home-made lab coats. And don't worry how he'll feel about it. Sure, he might be a little bit upset at first but once he realizes he has a DOCTOR in the family he will be THRILLED!!! Now that you've got your LAB COAT all you have to do is put your name on it and you're ready to start DOCTORING!!!
Now you have to fill up the pockets of you LAB COAT with stuff like RUBBER GLOVES (always fun), TONGUE DEPRESSORS (you can use popsicle sticks instead - just don't treat anyone with diabetes), BANDAIDS (they're in the bathroom somewhere - look in the medicine cabinet, right beside that bottle of hair dye your mom likes to use) and a STETHOSCOPE!!! You'll need the STETHOSCOPE to listen to people's 'HEARTBEATS' and EVERYBODY (except politicians, most other doctors and my ex-girlfriend) has a heartbeat!
Just remember that if you're 'treating' someone and they DON'T have a heartbeat...they're already dead. This most likely means that you've messed up. Big time. Did I mention a little thing called 'malpractice insurance'? No? Oops.
But don't worry. There's a special place where doctors put all their mistakes and it looks kinda like this:
HAPPY DOCTORING!!!
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