HOW TO BE A PHILOSOPHER!!!

PHILOSOPHY!!!

The great art of thinking thoughts...PITHY thoughts...and those that think PITHY thoughts are called PHILOSOPHERS!!!

A 'PHILOSOPHER' is someone who can't really do much of anything useful or worthwhile like build houses or drive teams of horses in holiday parades.  They make terrible bankers and don't even THINK of using one as a butler or mechanic.  Philosophers like to spend their time scribbling their thoughts into notebooks or onto any blank pieces of paper they are lucky enough to find lying around (bar napkins are VERY popular).

And what exactly is a 'PITHY THOUGHT' you may ask (and yes, you may ask)?  Well, a 'pithy thought' is a lot like a regular thought except it makes a lot less sense.  And it's longer!  For example...a 'regular' thought might go something like this: "wow...that tree is old" but a 'PITHY' thought would be something like THIS: "this noble and majestic oak has endured so much sadness it has cloaked itself in bark as protection from the calamity that is time".  SEE?  Pithy versus regular...NO comparison!!!  And THAT is what PHILOSOPHERS do!!!  They take the 'simple' and kinda make it a lot less...simple.  So get ready to PHILOSOPHIZE!!!

Here are just a few of the more famous philosophers that are known to those who like philosophy:

FAMOUS PHILOSOPHERS!!!

Now, before we start 'philosophizing', there are a few things you have to learn.
First of all...where do these pithy thoughts come from?  Well, they come from your BRAIN!!!
Your brain is this big mushy thing in your head and it's kind of like a Nerfball but a lot wetter and gooier.
Your brain is what you will use to think your pithy thoughts!!!  Here's your brain:

Second...we're going to need some tools...WRITING TOOLS!!!  You can't be a philosopher without writing tools.  The best tools are paper and a pen.  Simple as that!  And where can you get those tools?  That's easy...you know that place your parents go to every day, that place they call 'WORK'?  Well those places have what's called 'supply closets'.  That's where they keep all of their 'work' supplies.  Supplies like...PAPER and PENS!!!  If your parents love you as much as they say they do (and they DO, right?) then they will be more than happy to 'liberate' some of those supplies for you! (It's actually called 'stealing' but let's avoid such nasty legal terms for now).  You are also going to need a place to write on your paper.  For that you will need a 'writing desk', a place where you can spend your days writing down your PITHY THOUGHTS! Your pen & paper and writing desk should look something like this:

Once you are firmly settled in at your writing desk with your pen and paper you can start dreaming up your pithy thoughts.  Once you have a pithy thought that you really like then you can write it down on the paper at which point it shall become known as a 'PITHY MUSING'!!! 'Pithy musings' look like this:

Once you've put together a whole bunch of 'pithy musings' you'll have them published as a BOOK (see HOW TO BE A FAMOUS AUTHOR for details. Pretty much the same thing except as a 'philosopher' you'll be invited to fewer parties and no one will want to make a movie out of your 'book').

Now that you've published your philosophy book of pithy musings you will suddenly develop something that is known by psychologists as 'FOLLOWERS'!!!  'Followers' are people who will read your stuff and think that it is somehow directed to them and them alone.  They will think of themselves as 'experts' on everything you've ever thought and hold long boring discussions with other 'followers' about why you are speaking to THEM and no one else.  Followers can be very sad people but they do throw wonderful little get-togethers  called 'COCKTAIL PARTIES'!!!  ALWAYS go to the 'cocktail parties' you are invited to!  Not only do you get to meet your followers but there's almost an unlimited supply of bar napkins you can take home to write on and you'll need those now that your parents have been fired from their jobs because of all the missing supplies.  

So there you have it.  You are now a PHILOSOPHER and any day now some university is going to offer you a job teaching 'philosophy' to other people that want to be JUST LIKE YOU!!!  So when that happens, just remember ONE word...one little word that will make the difference between a life of successful philosophizing or staying at home to wash the dishes every night.  That word is ... TENURE.

Happy PHILOSOPHIZING!!!